Learning to Let it BE

Music is the language of the soul, and Mother Mary just spoke to me.

Do you ever have those days… those days were you are sitting in your favorite space. And it is clutter free and clear. And you are looking out into the sunshine, or the city, or the yard …. And that perfect song comes on. And it just clears the slate for something new.

Well today that happened to me. And I realized that so much of my time lately has been spent thinking of ways to clear old habits, old loves, old clothes, of looking for new beginnings. New experiences. New people.

Let me be clear, that was in a way, necessary. After all, this summer changed me. Rocked me to my core, and made me question what that core is. The truth is, this summer my heart got broken. And I laughed it off. But I was really hurt. And without my friends and my family, I would be a complete and total mess.

And it wasn’t just the end of a “Big” relationship – which is still healing and tearing open and healing in that horrible pattern that these kind of relationships can have … leaving a jagged scar that isn’t always pretty. But it was also me facing what it is I am doing with my life. And that, my friends, is REALLY scary.

Well in this quest for “happiness” for “newness” and for a solid sense of self, I somehow have forgotten how to just … be. I mean, isn’t that what we are looking for? It isn’t something shiny and new. It’s contentment with whatever it is, whoever it is, wherever it is. No new job, new boyfriend, new apartment is going to bring that until you have found that space inside of yourself (oh jeez I think I’m sounding a little self-help-book-y there).

Searching only brings more searching. It’s endless really. I’d rather wander with a sense of self, a peaceful heart, a rested being. After all, not all that wander are lost (brother that was for you and our new tattoo). I’d like to journey through this life happy with where I am and always delighted by the idea of where I am going.

I went out yesterday with two friends, and we spent the time, mostly just being. Talking about old things, talking about now things, changing things, and of course looking forward to new things. But a lot of what was so perfect about the day was just being able to BE with people, in a way that is normal, everyday, just who we are. I realized that we have been trying to capture that a lot this summer, all three of us in our own way. I also realized that through friendship and family I have found a place with my self in which I feel very content. I fight it still, and ignore it, but it's there. And every adventure weekend, and every lunch break walk at work, and every quiet moment in my perfect little studio over looking the bay with just the right song on it shows itself to me again. Restlessness and travel lust aside, I am still getting better at just being.

Peace, magic boat rides, and there will be an answer,

Rio