Breathing Through
I had an out of body experience in yoga class last night. My teacher told us as we were in bound warrior 2 to breathe through the pose, to be present, to not let the body win. That the body was mine, that I did not belong to the body. And all of the sudden, it was easier. I felt the strain and pull of my muscles, but they were my muscles. My body was mine. I was in control, and I was not ready to release. It became this beautiful tug of war in which I could feel my body, and myself, separately.
There are times in class when I realize I have been thinking about what I need to do when I get home, or what email I need to check, or friend to catch up with, or boy to call, and I pause and am disappointed. That I've gotten caught up in the clutter of life AGAIN. And then I get anxious that I'm wasting time. Wasting time I tried to devote to myself on other things. And then I wonder if I even know who this "myself" is. And then the body wins, and I get exhausted, mentally, physically, emotionally. Time for myself becomes yet another thing to schedule in. And I give in the hustle and bustle and movement of the day. It's like getting caught in the current. Well, this moment in class, it was like I was in this current, and then suddenly it wasn't just that, it was me flowing and feeling crisp and clear and a part of the water, and I felt myself clearly. It was that perfect harmony in some random song that makes you feel. Like sunshine. Sounds so cheesy, and so simple. But it's being a part of warm ground and grass and acoustic guitars and spring breezes. It's feeling life.
And lately, I've felt tired. And overwhelmed. And not EXCITED. And I love being Excited. I've let this wonderful life get away from me again. It's so odd when you realize that not only are relationships (and I mean all relationships - those with friends, those with family, those with lovers) things you need to make a conscious effort to maintain and nourish - but so is your own way of living. Ghandi told us to be the change we wish to see in the world. And sometimes I am inspired. And I read books about surfing, or zen, or peaceful movement, or suffering, or easing suffering, or traveling, or people who CHANGE things - and I remember to let it be and I remember how many things are possible in this wonderful beautiful lifetime.
And other times I forget. It's real work to keep up that mentality. To be the person that I know I want to be. It's so much work that I often self-sabotage the things I enjoy that come my way. Like I'm not ready. Like I'm afraid. Like what if I try and I fail. What if I'm not as strong as I should be, as motivated as I could be, as inspiring and engaging as I want to be. And these fears, anxieties, co-dependencies, hold me back and I forget to breathe. To be. To know myself. My body, my life, is mine. I am in control, and not ready to release, to give in to these things that restrain me. But It isn't so much a holding on or a holding back, it is more of a breathing through.
My birthday is an a week, and I'm trying to apply to Grad School, and my life is gaining momentum. And it's not that I'm getting old, it's just that time has started going so much faster than I realized. It's so much more condensed now. Things change so drastically in months. I feel like my life has changed so much and so many times in the last six months even. I am different. I have changed. But I have held on so tightly to this "essence." This belief in who I am, in who I am supposed to be. And maybe I just haven't been able to let go. To release and own it all at once. To not let who I think I should be, who I want people to see me as, control who I am now.
I feel myself so strongly sometimes that it shocks me, and I wonder why I can't hold on to that sense of self all the time. And now, I'm beginning to wonder why I want to HOLD ON so much. Why can't I let it go, and know, that it will come back to me, that who I am is changing and growing, and who I am right now, well who I am might just NOT be ready to move on yet, and that it is alright for me to be afraid. I don't need to make excuses, or pretend to feel something, or even pretend not to feel something. I have endured, and I have fought for who I am. I am worth fighting for. And now I need to know that *I* am worth waiting for and being patient with. I am worth pushing and also worth being gentle with. I have something to offer, and in time, I will be able to share it, but first I need to own it for myself. I need to breathe through this time and not let the daily distractions of life win. I control my life, my life does not need to control me.
So for now, I am breathing, and being, through.
Breathe, water, sunshine, and patience,
Rio
There are times in class when I realize I have been thinking about what I need to do when I get home, or what email I need to check, or friend to catch up with, or boy to call, and I pause and am disappointed. That I've gotten caught up in the clutter of life AGAIN. And then I get anxious that I'm wasting time. Wasting time I tried to devote to myself on other things. And then I wonder if I even know who this "myself" is. And then the body wins, and I get exhausted, mentally, physically, emotionally. Time for myself becomes yet another thing to schedule in. And I give in the hustle and bustle and movement of the day. It's like getting caught in the current. Well, this moment in class, it was like I was in this current, and then suddenly it wasn't just that, it was me flowing and feeling crisp and clear and a part of the water, and I felt myself clearly. It was that perfect harmony in some random song that makes you feel. Like sunshine. Sounds so cheesy, and so simple. But it's being a part of warm ground and grass and acoustic guitars and spring breezes. It's feeling life.
And lately, I've felt tired. And overwhelmed. And not EXCITED. And I love being Excited. I've let this wonderful life get away from me again. It's so odd when you realize that not only are relationships (and I mean all relationships - those with friends, those with family, those with lovers) things you need to make a conscious effort to maintain and nourish - but so is your own way of living. Ghandi told us to be the change we wish to see in the world. And sometimes I am inspired. And I read books about surfing, or zen, or peaceful movement, or suffering, or easing suffering, or traveling, or people who CHANGE things - and I remember to let it be and I remember how many things are possible in this wonderful beautiful lifetime.
And other times I forget. It's real work to keep up that mentality. To be the person that I know I want to be. It's so much work that I often self-sabotage the things I enjoy that come my way. Like I'm not ready. Like I'm afraid. Like what if I try and I fail. What if I'm not as strong as I should be, as motivated as I could be, as inspiring and engaging as I want to be. And these fears, anxieties, co-dependencies, hold me back and I forget to breathe. To be. To know myself. My body, my life, is mine. I am in control, and not ready to release, to give in to these things that restrain me. But It isn't so much a holding on or a holding back, it is more of a breathing through.
My birthday is an a week, and I'm trying to apply to Grad School, and my life is gaining momentum. And it's not that I'm getting old, it's just that time has started going so much faster than I realized. It's so much more condensed now. Things change so drastically in months. I feel like my life has changed so much and so many times in the last six months even. I am different. I have changed. But I have held on so tightly to this "essence." This belief in who I am, in who I am supposed to be. And maybe I just haven't been able to let go. To release and own it all at once. To not let who I think I should be, who I want people to see me as, control who I am now.
I feel myself so strongly sometimes that it shocks me, and I wonder why I can't hold on to that sense of self all the time. And now, I'm beginning to wonder why I want to HOLD ON so much. Why can't I let it go, and know, that it will come back to me, that who I am is changing and growing, and who I am right now, well who I am might just NOT be ready to move on yet, and that it is alright for me to be afraid. I don't need to make excuses, or pretend to feel something, or even pretend not to feel something. I have endured, and I have fought for who I am. I am worth fighting for. And now I need to know that *I* am worth waiting for and being patient with. I am worth pushing and also worth being gentle with. I have something to offer, and in time, I will be able to share it, but first I need to own it for myself. I need to breathe through this time and not let the daily distractions of life win. I control my life, my life does not need to control me.
So for now, I am breathing, and being, through.
Breathe, water, sunshine, and patience,
Rio
I love this entry, Devin! BTW, I sent you an invite link to read my blog. I've marked it as a private a while ago.
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