Sun Dappled Pools of Overwhelming

"Your faith was strong but you needed proof / You saw her bathing on the roof / Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you / She tied you to a kitchen chair / She broke your throne, and she cut your hair / And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah"

I'm exhausted. I'm so tired, and yet so content. I think I'm just worn out from living, but damn does living feel good. The last few months have been fun, have been settled, have been real real quick, and real real amazing. I've been working on being more comfortable with me (I think this is a life-long goal). My life has been insanely beautiful (emotionally, physically...) recently as well. And no I'm not bragging, but I spent February in the Amazon Rain forest working with children with my father. If you can think of something insanely more beautiful than that, hit me with it. Cause feeling the sun shining-pounding-pouring-

massaging-your-soul as you walk away from an environmentally sustainable community who has just celebrated life with you in the way of music, laughter, soccer, crazy-jungle-fruit while holding the hand of a seven year old who skips next to you rambling about the really cool bug that scared her brother in her room last night, well, my friends, it really doesn't get much better than that.

This year has gone by really fast. It's been a falling backwards, but backwards into something right. Something I might not have been ready for before, a version of myself I was aware of, but now am oh-so-okay with embracing. I practice yoga three to five times a week. I run. I feel my body move. I eat organic tomatoes (ask my mother, this is HUGE). I love my friends. I let them love me. I love love and don't pretend anymore that this is ever going to change. I'm boy crazy in a totally ridiculious way. But only cause I'm life crazy. Feeling crazy. Exploring crazy. Being crazy. I'm all about it. But ... I'm still searching for answers. For a stronger sense of self. A more balanced being (maybe I should work on a little less crazy?). I'm searching for teachers. For guides. For lovers (of life, of friendship, of love, romantic/platonic/whatever - call them soulmates). For myself? Sure.

So I'm strong. And getting better at being me - is it gravity slowly pulling myself in to me with time and patience? And I'm still "seeking." And I'm still growing. And I was all of these wonderful things over this wonderful trip into the heart of the Amazon Basin. And, then, amidst all this life-changing-every-day-I'm-still-the-same things going on ... I got hit on by a shaman. No. Seriously. Like try to kiss me at 3 in the morning, drunk-off-his-mystic-butt tell me I'm beautiful kind of hit on by a man who, like, speaks with the soul of the natural world. Why was I with a drunk shaman late into the jungle night? I was experiencing. I was exploring. I was communicating. I was talking about life. And the future. And the fate of the freaking natural world with a two naturalists and my dad, and, of course, a shaman. And the shaman thought my soul was some kind of sexy. Or maybe he really just wanted to tell me I was beautiful. Maybe my soul IS that beautiful. Maybe ALL of our souls ARE that beautiful. Put someone in the jungle, late at night, talking about change, and spirits, and children, and trees, and rivers, and movement, and I bet their soul is all different shades of sexy and fireflies and stars and light. And if you could see that, why WOULDN'T you tell them you thought so?

My initial reaction was pretty bummed out. Like some every-day experience I could have with any dude at just about anywhere had taken something special away from what was actually happening. As if this person who I had chosen to see as a kind of gifted, really was just another guy. But isn't that the magic part of it? Doesn't it just show you that a teacher isn't a saint. And even a saint isn't someone who isn't HUMAN. That we are all real people who do real stupid or real smart or real weird, or real amazing things. I can search for guides. I can search for someone to show me different ways of living. But that's really all it is. It's just a pencil map of criss-crossing trails all over the world. Across cities. Shit, across the amazon jungle. We're all just trying to LIVE. And I've been influenced by some amazing teachers in my lifetime. Some are intellects, some are yoga instructors, some are just my friends (how can you even put "just" in there? Isn't being a real friend one of the hardest/challenging/rewarding things you can BE in life?), some are my family, and some are people I don't even know but wish I did. And hey, one of my teachers is a shaman in the jungle who showed me that if he is capable of being oh-so-human, then we are all capable of being oh-so-in-touch-with-the-natural-unexplainable-world.

And so I can continue on this path, moving through it, and challenging myself to be aware and in touch with we are, with all that we can be, and everything that means - inbetween and outside of what we thought was possible/probable.


With love, from my soul, as I thought of you all from 100 ft. above the ground, and looked over trees, mountains, rivers, worlds, and breathed,

Rio